Shut Up and Drive.

As a teenager, I loved the song "Shut Up and Drive" by Chely Wright.  I remember blasting it in my car on the way back from swim practice.  I also remember crying myself to sleep at night listening to those lyrics when I felt the first pangs of heartbreak...

Recently, I am learning more about the art of listening.  Too often, I would hear what people were saying, all while simultaneously thinking about what my response to them would be.  I was hearing them, thinking over what I would say, and not at all listening to them.

Sometimes as health professionals, we are so time-oriented.  We only have X number of minutes to spend with patients, and X number of minutes to teach/educate/obtain nutrition history.  I once heard a doctor say that if we only took the time to listen to patients, they would tell us everything that they needed in order to heal.  This has inspired me to be a better listener.

This means interrupting less, asking better questions, holding more space for them to talk.  And that in and of itself is healing and therapeutic.  In my experience so far, I've found that the end result is a more optimal destination that we've both reached together; something far more ideal than if I had talked at them or told them what to do.

My good friend can read my facial expressions really well.  He can tell right away from a split-second glance if I'm happy, stressed out, or upset.  During a challenging time in my life, sometimes he would put me in his car and just ask how I was doing.  My answers at first were superficial and concise- everything was bottled up inside like a big knot.  He knew it was only the first layer of the onion- I am too much of a deep-thinker and over-analyzer to just be "fine."

He would always keep driving, and as the road unfolded before us, slowly I was able to peel away the layers.  With each passing mile, I was able to understand and communicate and verbalize everything that I was experiencing.  He did not offer advice.  Like a good friend, he did what was best at the time- he just shut up and drove.  And by the time we returned, I felt like a huge emotional burden had been lifted from my shoulders.  I had more clarity and vision for my future and what I wanted.  And he hadn't really even said a word.

In our personal and work relationships, it's important to remember that giving advice isn't always the best thing.  Sometimes as a good friend or clinician, it's helpful to open the door to conversation, allowing space for the other person to be heard, and then steer wisely wherever the road and conversation leads.  I've found out that you'll both reach your destination happier and more fulfilled if you do one thing- Shut up and drive.

Monday Musings...

The Root.

Today's view from Pinole Shoreline. #friends #family #love #whatmatters

WHAT IS THE ROOT?

What

Is the

Root of all these

Words?

One thing: love.

But a love so deep and sweet

It needed to express itself

With scents, sounds, colors

That never before

Existed.

-Hafiz

Practicing Non-resistance.

You know how when little kids get puppies, they squeeze them so hard and don't want to let them go?  I am like that- I tend to hold on hard to the good things in life, sometimes too tightly that it can be suffocating.

I'm learning to hold on gently, loosen my grip- surrender.

I used to be quick to judge things, circumstances, events, and automatically label them as "good" or "bad."  Actually, I still do, but I am learning that swinging back and forth on the pendulum is exhausting.  Sometimes it's best to just settle in the middle, in that sweet spot, and observe without judgement.  Just let things be.

Observing, not judging... (taken at Point Lobos)

Surrender is not an act of giving up, but rather, of a giving over.  Unlike most may believe, non-resistance can be a strength.

Pretend you are holding a cup in each hand.  One cup is empty, and the other is full of water.  If you hold them and you're relaxed, you can feel a difference in the weight.  But as soon as you constrict and tighten your grip, you can't feel the difference in the weights as much.  Likewise, when you tighten up and tense up in life, you lose access to the inner resources that you need to discern what is in front of you; what's in your grasp.

Surrender is not about weakness, it is about wisdom.

Child's pose; a time to relax and surrender...

Non-resistence isn't necessarily a gift, an art or a talent- it is a practice- one that must be done with intentionality, observation and grace.  This is a practice that I am constantly cultivating in my life, as I learn to release expectations and relax.

It is only when I do this when I am able to discern the differences in the cups of water and choose correctly- allowing my lips to taste the pleasure and take a sweet sip of life and love.

The Space Between.

Sit silently still.

Pause- quiet the monkey mind.

Let's meet in the gap.

Fast Freddie. Sweaty Betty's.

Today's ride was one that really counted.  I told myself, "Write this one in the books- you're going to recall it in the future when you want to puke on the side of the road and you're tempted to get off your bike and walk it up the hill..."

We were greeting by the sunrise after climbing Grizzly Peak...

It was pretty much a culmination of some of hardest climbs I've done in the East Bay (Grizzly Peak, the 3 Bears backwards (which everyone knows is the harder route), and Pinehurst to Skyline, all bundled together under the guise of some race director's cruel sense of humor- naming it the "Fast Freddie Gran Fondo."  I was so terrified of this ride that I even skipped the kettlebell lunges and "legs day" in the gym this week just so I would have "Freddie Fresh Legs" for today.

You know how when you smell a certain perfume or cologne, all the memories come flooding back of that person who wore it?  The same thing happens with bike routes for me.  I remember who was my riding company, and certain parts of the road are almost time-stamped...I can recall exactly what we were talking about.

Revisiting these climbs was so good for me- just to see how far I've come since those times and also knowing deep in my heart (even though my legs may have argued otherwise) that I had been in that place of extreme fatigue before- slogging up some steep pitches, and had still managed to crest the hill and stay upright on my bike.

It's trusting not only those who believe you are strong enough to finish, but also trusting that faint "muscle memory" that remembers how you've been in this place of wanting to quit before, yet you just kept.on.pedaling.

I know in the world, many women are catty, backstabbing and resentful towards each other.  Instead of building each other up, they feel insecure and threatened and instead tear each other down.  Chris Rock once said, "Women would rule the world if they didn't hate each other so much." 

I am thankful to be surrounded with really quality, positive, inspiring, and grounded women.  They show me how you can still be feminine and still be strong.  My friend Michelle rides faster than 90% of the men I know.  She exudes a soft sensitivity in her calm nature, but it is matched with an inner tenacity that I find so appealing.  I look at her and think, "I want to be like that too." She told me from the beginning that I could do this ride and climb this much elevation.  I just had to believe in her, and more importantly, in myself and my capabilities.

Both of us rockin' the Betty Designs kits... #matchymatchy

It helps so much to have a solid woman role model who seeks the best for you and pushes you hard to see and realize your own strength.  As women, we need to empower each other. We need to challenge the stereotypes- it's cool to get a spa day, but even more cool to hop on a bike.  Instead of looking for a new outfit at the mall, look for new challenges that allow you to see yourself in a better light than the crappy fluorescent lights in the fitting rooms.

Saw this last week and it was replaying in my mind when the climbs got harder...

It's only when we get outside of our comfort zones and undertake the hard stuff when we can realize our own strength and potential.  The more this happens, the more momentum builds and translates to other areas- new paths are forged not only in sport, but in our lives.

And that, to me- is beautiful.

Rainbows and Sunshine.

Last year, I had someone tell me, "You know Julianne, I know you're Ms. Positivity- but life isn't always rainbows and sunshine. Sh*t happens. Life is cruel and people are mean."

I beg to differ.  Because if you look for the good, pretty soon your brain rewires itself and starts to scan your environment for the positive.  Two simple truths to remember- What you focus on, expands.  And what you appreciate, appreciates.  

And today, it really was all about rainbows and sunshine.

A reminder of hope on my morning commute...

Chasing the sunset on tonight's run...

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the
winds long to play with your hair." -Kahlil Gibran

Two people this week asked me if I was in love.  There was some mention of some extra "pep in my step" and how I'm "glowing." This pretty much sums it up...

When you seek the good, you find it.  And when you stay open and positive, I promise you, there will always be an abundance of sunshine and rainbows.

The Myth of Self-sufficiency.

On Sunday, I was cresting the top of Dublin Canyon on my bike when something just didn't feel right.  The road felt bumpier than usual, and I looked down and saw that I had a flat on my front tire.  I was alone, and left my podcast running to keep me calm and from going into full-on freak-out mode.  Calmly, I removed the tire, ran my fingers along the tire to find any sharp object, replaced the tube, slipped the tire back on, and went to fill up the tube with my CO2 cartridge.  Everything was fine until I felt the CO2 escape from the side of the canister into the air- and not into my tire.  It reminded me of Chrissie Wellington's famous flat in Kona 2008, except that I didn't have cameras recording my break-down, and well, the World Championships wasn't on the line (fast-forward to the 2-minute mark).

Three cyclists passed me.  I kid you not.  I ended up flagging down another guy who was nice enough to pull over with a handpump and get my tire inflated enough for me to get home.  I was eternally grateful.

Once I was home, I decided to switch out my old tires for brand new tires.  It was fine, but as everyone knows, brand new tires are super difficult to get on since they lack the malleability of older tires.  I was successful with one, and the second tire I had major difficulty with.  I took a break, came back to it, and still was unable to get the final part into the rim.  To add fuel to the fire, the whole time I was paranoid that I was going to ruin my new acrylic gel manicure (priorities, people!).  My fingers were raw from the tire, I had tried using a towel to pad my hands, and I was literally at my wit's end.  It's these moments when it's easy to spiral down the rabbit hole of wishing I had the luxury of shouting, "Babe, do you mind helping me with this?"  Since I didn't have an extra pair of hands nearby, it was a frustrating situation for me.

But I was desperate.  I ended up asking a friend to come over to help me.  And he did, and was so gracious and we added some dishwashing soap to the rim to help slide the tire in.  It worked like a charm, and he was on his way. 

The whole experience made me realize how difficult it is for me to ask for help sometimes.  Single women, in particular, are constantly encouraged to be independent and self-sufficient.  We are told to go on solo vacations, travel around the world, take classes, and buy our own houses.  It is drilled into our heads that we shouldn't need a man to complete us.  I get it.  But if we focus all of our attention on being "whole," that doesn't leave a "whole" lot of room for anyone else.

I recently heard of Adam Newhouse's idea of the reciprocity circle.  His model was to take a group of 30 people- all successful artists, creatives, entrepreneurs, world leaders and world-shakers- and sit them together in a circle.  But rather than handing out their business cards, talking about about their websites or LinkedIn profile, instead, they were each required to step out and share what they specifically needed help with.  It could be anything- from "I'm looking for marketing support," to more specific requests- "I want to learn how to perform this specific dance style." By centering the intention around the notion of asking for help, this provided a space where people were allowed to be vulnerable and more human, and participants in the circle later said it was the most transformative experience.  Uncanny, synchronistic and amazing things occurred.  Across the board, every single 'ask' was met with an answer from someone within the circle that could offer specific assistance.

For me, it took putting on brand new tires to gain a brand new perspective.  Sometimes when we're stuck or stranded, we need to ask for help, and that's ok.  I've found that people are more than happy to show up and offer assistance.  Sometimes it just takes some help from a complete stranger to pump us up (figuratively, or in my case, literally), in order to get us rolling and on our way again. 

It is a beautiful truth after all- Ask and you shall receive. 

Home Is Where the Heart Is.

I remember awhile back I wanted to make sukiyaki (one of my all-time favorite dishes).  I scoured the cabinets for what seemed like forever, trying to find my electric hot-pot.  Then, it finally dawned on me.  It was most likely the permanent addition to an ex's fabulous cooking pan collection.  This caused me to think back on all the other items that I had unknowingly 'lost' in multiple moves between college, graduate school, and thereafter- ceramic dishes, a George Foreman grill, Osterizer blender (believe me, I'm not dumb enough to leave my Vitamix behind!), furniture pieces, and household appliances.

I suppose at the end of the day, the most important thing is that I survived all of these moves.

The process of packing and unpacking causes you to re-evaluate what's really important, and what can be donated to Goodwill.  And, just like the heart, times like these cause you to examine what good memories to hold onto and what emotional baggage should be tossed and disposed of before making your transition.  There is always a need for this- deciding what to collect, cherish and hang onto, and what to gently discard since it no longer serves you. 

When I first moved into my apartment a few years ago, I had no couch, no bed, and quite honestly, no hope.  "It's only a temporary place until I figure out what to do next," was my reasoning.

And then one night, I was flipping through a Maya Angelou calendar and came across this:

It was then when I realized that no matter what my living situation or location was, I was home.  That same night was when I hung my first artpiece over the fireplace, balancing precariously on a stepstool bench (the dining room table set was still yet to come), and as the hammer hit the nail and pierced through the wall, I felt this tangible sense of finally making this place my 'home.'

The Holstee Manifesto- which I've adopted as my own...

Last week, as I gazed above my fireplace, it occurred to me how this first framed quote really did become my life's manifesto, both within my home and more importantly, in my heart.  And that made me smile.

Growing up, I always loved Jim Elliot's quote- "Wherever you are, be all there."  It applies to the work that we do, the friendships we maintain, the house we reside in, and most importantly, ourselves.  So often it's easy to show up for someone else, but how many people make a consistent effort to show up for themselves?  To schedule self-care days, to practice meditation, to be fully present with themselves without any distractions?

Taking in the beauty during this morning's sunrise...

For me, self-care is surrounding myself in nature...view from today's hike...

Because really, home is like your heart.  You can decide for yourself that you want to move, or you may be forced to move, to uproot and be transplanted elsewhere.  Even in times of uncertainty and impermanence, you must not forget, like Maya Angelou, that we are at home wherever we find ourselves.

So go ahead- paint the wall your favorite color, instead of leaving it white so you don't have to repaint it if/when you move.  Hang up your favorite painting.  Home is much more than where you lay your head down at night.  

Know that you hold the key to your own front door.  You can give copies of the key to a few choice people, and you have the authority to change the lock if you need to.  Ultimately, it's up to you to decide who you let in.  But regardless of all of this, remember to be true to yourself.  Because at the end of the day, that's the best feeling to always come home to. 

Stay Curious.

Tonight I was writing a graduation card for my cousin (we're having a belated party for him tomorrow), and inside I wrote the only piece of advice that I've found to be helpful in my own life- stay curious.  

Elizabeth Gilbert said it best...

I listened to an interview today with Olympic swimmer Byron Davis, and he summed it up perfectly- in life, at times you will not be confident.  In his words, "Confidence has little to do with your capability of making something happen.  Instead, allow yourself to embrace curiosity.  When we are curious about something, all of our awareness and brain power becomes acutely aware of scenarios, patterns, and answers.  When you decide to be curious, you invite enough room to create experiences that you begin to stack up, which will ultimately become your confidence.  Curiosity allows us to move through that period of ambiguity.  Use the small incremental results to guide you in making mid-course corrections.  Ultimately, you will cross that finish line."

Curiosity moves us from a place of fear to a place of wonder and faith.  And that's a much better place to set up camp.

Rice is Sexy.

White rice.  Bleh.
Brown rice.  Meh.
Forbidden rice.  Huh?

It's purple, and the name is so sexy and seductive.
I just had to get my hands on that.

Turns out, legend has it this ancient grain was reserved for the emperors of China, and was often referred to as 'longevity rice.'  The deep purple hue also means that it is rich in anthocyanins, a powerful antioxidant also found in blueberries.

It's like 50 Shades of Grey...for rice.

I think every aspect of life is art, including food, so it makes me especially happy when I create beautiful, nutritious, and colorful meals. This was inspired by the brilliant Julie Piatt, whose wisdom has taught me to be more present and grateful, and whose artistic soul is so evident in her meal creations.

#plantpower #eattherainbow

This meal will raise your vibration on so many levels... Stir-fried organic kale, organic rainbow chard with fresh grated ginger, forbidden rice, shiitake mushrooms, and organic baked sweet potatoes.

Money Can't Buy Me Love...

...but it can buy me a new bike!  

Arriving in a few weeks!! 

I think it's money well spent when it'll only make you faster, fitter and happier.  At the end of the day, it's cheaper than therapy and I (fortunately), don't have diaper and daycare expenses.

I feel like my life is being upgraded on so many levels... everyday I am so grateful and look forward to feeling the wind in my hair and summiting many peaks (figuratively and literally)...

To Infinity and Beyond.

I first read this quote on my good friend's Instagram.  It made sense- we grow up and from the beginning are told how we should behave, what we should believe, what we should wear, how we should speak.  We are so busy becoming 'like the masses' that we lose our individuality, creativity and inspiration in the process.

I think a better question to ask is, "What did you want to be when you were 8 years old?" Remember the time when life was free from bills, mortgages, unfulfilling relationships and job stress, and the 'big' questions were what you were trading your sandwich for at lunchtime and who would be first in line for tetherball?

When I was eight years old, I wanted to be an astronaut.  I was fascinated with the zero gravity aspect; I was already pretty advanced on the monkeybars and would fantasize about being able to do somersaults in space.  I completely disregarded the whole need to excel at math/science- I wanted to be an astronaut because my whole job would be to explore the unknown, go into uncharted territory, do flips in outerspace, and make history.

No anti-gravity here, unfortunately. Pull-ups on the trails yesterday...

The freeze-dried food part was pretty cool, too.  When I visited the Kennedy Space Center in Washington D.C. as a 4th grader, I chose a freeze-dried neopolitan ice cream sandwich as my one souvenir.  I still remember savoring each bite later when I got home.  I loved how it felt when it touched my tongue and would dissolve into a delicious vanilla, strawberry and chocolate explosion.

Funny, and sadly ironic, is how these are the flavors of the Ensure Plus that are frequently prescribed in the hospital.  Perhaps a part of me now wants to embrace that adventurous spirit again of my eight year old self, taking with it my experience of nutrition and wellness, and reuniting it now with my fantasy of outerspace, blasting off into the unexplored, paving new ways, and knowing no limits.  I love who is in my space shuttle with me, and together we are excited to tread and uncover new territory in the health/wellness sector.  Together as we keep dreaming and keep creating, I know that we will be benefitting mankind in a deeper, more truthful and more authentic way.

To infinity and beyond!

Reigniting My Fire.

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." 
-Albert Schweitzer

Tonight's view from the campfire...

It's interesting how you don't even realize how you're down to burning your own embers until you meet a kindred spirit.  It's like the right-side of my brain finally exploded and took over my left brain, and my mind is spinning with ideas, visions and big dreams.  At night, sometimes I can't sleep, so I just roll over and write my ideas in my journal.  Getting them down on paper helps, and I find that when I look over them the next morning, I gain more momentum and draw lines connecting those ideas to new ones that I write down.

I've missed this; this feeling of adrenaline, excitement, of being in the flow-state. It's fun to do this alone, but when you meet someone else who shares your fundamental dreams and visions and can give you open suggestions of how to improve yourself, this is what gives me a heartbeat. 

I love the musical Once, and my favorite scene is when Glen Hansard first teaches his song to Marketa Irglova.  I love the expression on his face when she starts harmonizing with him; it's like his smile recognizes this beautiful creative union- something that he would not have been able to accomplish alone.  When you meet other creatives/musicians/entrepreneurs, it is a beautiful thing to experience that magic, that fire...that shared vision and deep connection over something bigger than ourselves.

Two days ago, I scribbled in my journal a truth that I had discovered that day- "Awakenings stem from life's darkest moments." Three years ago, I experienced one of the darkest periods of my life, and looking back, I am amazed at the ways I've grown in my understanding of the world, of myself, and of others.  Thank you to all of those who have helped me rediscover and rekindle my inner spirit.  You know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

Show Up. Take A Bow.

"Knowing your path and going after what you believe in will naturally create serendipity around the right people that will support you, love you and help you grow; and if you continue to shape your life based on what you love, I believe everything else will just fall into place." 

-Amanda Slavin

Sometimes it just requires that you show up- the path unfolds after you take that first step...

The phone rang tonight, and on the other end was my 7 year-old niece.

"Do you want to come to my piano recital? It's on September 28th at 2:30pm."

I smiled and replied, "Oh absolutely!! I would love to come and support you!"

Her tone suddenly changed and became somber.  "I'm afraid that I'm going to mess up.  What will people think if I make a mistake?"  

"It's ok.  Everyone makes mistakes.  You just keep going.  Some people won't even know that you even made the mistake.  It's all about having the right attitude."

I heard a sigh at the other end of the phone.  Continuing in her very serious tone she answered, "My attitude is telling me that I don't want to play in the piano recital."

I told her the story of how nervous I used to get before all of my piano recitals.  One time, I started playing the wrong piece. (Claire de Lune and Long, Long Ago do sound pretty similar starting out, just for the record).  "And remember," I added, "We love you and will be there to support you.  And even if you make a mistake, we love you just the same because we are proud of you for being brave."

Her artwork of my sister and me playing the piano together...

Later tonight, it occurred to me- oh how some things never change, even when you're an adult!  We are all afraid of making mistakes, being negatively judged, feeling inadequate.  It may not be on a piano stage- it could be in the boardroom, giving a presentation, standing in front of intimidating colleagues, or in the classroom.

It's knowing, however, at the end of the day, that there are people in the audience who love you unconditionally.  They are clapping just as loudly for you whether you performed flawlessly or completely flopped.  They believe not only in your potential, but in who you are, at this exact moment.  And they cheer the loudest when you smile and take a bow, regardless if you perfectly hit all of the notes or forgot a whole entire section of the piece.

As an entrepreneur, I know that vulnerable experiences are exciting but they can also be frightening.  Like my niece, those same questions are floating in my head at times- "What if I mess up?  What if I make a mistake?"  Just like piano recitals, I know that not everything goes as planned.  It's what you do afterwards to recover that matters more.  You take a deep breath, collect yourself, move on, and later find yourself experiencing the love and joy of the music once again.

We must never let our fear prevent us from showing up on stage.

And whatever happens, we must always smile widely and take a bow, knowing that our tribe is out there in the audience, proudly cheering and clapping for us.

Asking the right questions...

Wild and Precious.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" 

-Mary Oliver

I find that nature always keeps me balanced and asking the big questions.

I love this quote; such a profound question that we often fail to ask ourselves.  I'm starting to figure out the answer- the excitement literally keeps me up at night.  Although the details are still working themselves out, I know that my plan includes the following- service, gratitude, creativity and empowerment.

And from what I know of the world so far, only amazing and miraculous things stem from those intentions...

Finding My Trail...

"If the path before you is clear, you're probably on someone else's." 

-Joseph Campbell

I love how life provides you with the tools and the people you need at the exact moment when you need them.  This past year, I feel like I'm finally emerging from the "thrash."  What's the "thrash?" It's that place/process where your creativity and gifts and passions are swirling around without a true direction.

I remember when I met my Ironman coach, Marv.  There was something in our meeting that was serendipitous; we both rarely did the Cyclepath group rides, but somehow we ended up chatting on that ride and exchanging information.  I liked his energy, I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was, but my friendships with him and his wife Jo were transformational to who I am today.  Together, under their coaching and guidance, I was able to miraculously cross that Ironman finish line.

I love good stories.  An entrepreneur once said, "You can't sell your product without telling your story.  Once you tell your story, people can trust you."  I am obsessed with people's stories of how they stopped conforming to the framework of what society deemed was correct for them, and instead, found their own path, their own trail.  Stories like those of Lissa Rankin, Danielle LaPorte, Leo Babauta...

What if we took up this model and stripped away the concrete layers and stories we've told ourselves and instead embraced and stepped into the unknown?  

Last week I had the pleasure of meeting someone whose entire business is built around this concept- to find your trail.  There is something innately beautiful about connecting to ourselves in nature, and through that, unlocking who we really are.  I love meeting people who get me thinking deeper and inspire me to extend my gifts and passions to serve more people.  

My version of happy hour(s)

Finding your own trail can often be uncertain and muddy, but it's always more fun and adventurous with a like-minded guide.  Sometimes not having a map and trusting your own intuition is the best part.  I'm pretty excited to see what the future holds- and I know that wherever my feet take me will be worthwhile and breathtaking.

SunsetSmilesSunsetMiles.

"Everyday is a good day when you run." 

-Kevin Nelson

#nationalrunningday

What Did You Fail at Today?

For most children, dinner table conversations include questions like, "How was your day? What went well today for you?" But for Sarah Blakely, the founder of Spanx, she was asked a much different question each night by her father at the kitchen table- "What did you fail at today?"

She recalls, "If there was nothing, he'd be disappointed. I think failure is nothing more than life's way of nudging you that you are off course. My attitude to failure is not attached to outcome, but in not trying. It is liberating. Most people attach failure to something not working out or how people perceive you. This way, it is about answering to yourself. Failure was something we sought out and not this scary thing."

I've recently adopted this notion of the 'Blakely kitchen table' in my own life and started asking myself that question each night, "What did I fail at today?'  You may think that this question could lead someone down the hole into depression and straight to Loserville, but I am finding that the exact opposite happens.  In a sense, it is actually making me more fearless, urging me to constantly stretch myself in all areas of life.  So often it is easy to remain comfortable and to continue doing the things we are good at, right? But contemplating what I 'failed' at means that I need to try more things.  

Doing pool work post-work.

In the pool, I can comfortably swim 10 x 100 yards on the 1:30 interval.  I've been able to hold this interval (uncomfortably at times), but for the most part, since college.  Tonight, I decided to try and speed it up a bit, aiming for 10 x100 yds on the 1:25 interval. I made it to the 6th 100 until my lungs felt like they were going to explode and I hit the wall right when I was supposed to leave for the next interval. Did I feel like a failure?  Not at all!  Today, it wasn't about 'failing' to swim 10 x 100 yds on the 1:25, but learning that I had the speed and strength to swim 5 of them at that pace; something that I would have never even attempted in the past.  Sarah Blakely's father was brilliant.

I am allowing this question to permeate my life not only in sport, but also in the kitchen, in my relationships, and in my career. And so far, I've found that it has only been positive, spurring me on to stretch and try new things, without judgement or criticism.  Allow yourself to have the imaginative freedom to envision what you want to create in your life, without the inhibiting fear that most people have of the fear of failure.

Trying new things in the kitchen...I took a chance and didn't measure anything.
Thankfully, these sweet potato energy balls turned out well!

I prefer a different set of wheels, but hey, I tried!

Sometimes, it all boils down to reframing and rethinking the notion of failure. If you want to change your life, change the question- "What did you fail at today?"

Just what I was looking for. #change #SantaCruz

Get ready to be liberated. Get ready to be amazed.

Good Stuff.

Yup. Sounds about right.

I saw this quote, and thought it summed up the past week and a half pretty well.  These days have been filled with lots of fun adventures, trying new poses, new recipes, new riding routes.  

So close to touching my hands together! #workinprogress

On Monday, I had the worst bike ride I've had in a long time.  It was my fault, my breakfast was sub-par and rushed, and I paid for it in a big way.  The fact that I did weighted squat jumps the day before probably didn't help my legs much either.  Mid-ride I found myself at the gas station, where I inhaled a Clifbar and a banana.  I actually bought a banana and ate it. (For those who know me, I hate plain bananas...barf!!) But desperate times call for desperate measures.  PIC was the best and she pulled me all the way through the wind and was so nice.  I was a mess mentally and physically.  It felt nice not to be judged, but to just chalk it up to another adventure.

I guess you win some, you lose some.  Yesterday was a new day with a new riding buddy.  My legs felt better, but they still had a hard time keeping up with the ever-speedy Michelle!  I think when you hear someone's story and it resonates with you, you can't help but become emotionally involved.  Stories of love and loss, sharing long bike rides with the person you care about most, and navigating the roads again- alone.  We climbed and cried together.  It's like going from riding a tandem and being the stoker to all of a sudden having to ride your own bike, pedal your own weight, and become your own captain of the ride.  I think once you've been there and survived, it becomes easier to hold space for others.  When your past pain can allow you to empathize and help another, it really brings things full circle.  I love that.

There is always beauty after a storm. Trust me.

Onto the recipes.  I suppose failure is a part of the process.  So I am learning to enjoy the process.  I love PK because she gives good constructive feedback.  There were no blueberries at the store so I swapped them out for raspberries, which made things taste less sweet and watered down the muffin.  And I guess extra eggs don't pick up the slack for not adding butter or another fat.  Even a printed recipe can use modification, I suppose.  Back to the drawing board for these muffins...

Lemon raspberry coconut flour muffins. Or, as I'd say, what not to do to a muffin.

And I've realized too how much I need the water.  I saw some parents on deck barking orders /coaching their kids- they were super strict, making them do drills and timing their splits.  It was a Saturday, for cryin' out loud.  A part of me hoped that the kids wouldn't be bitter, but rather that they would appreciate this gift and love the water.  Never would I think that I would return again and again to the pool for stress-relief, to calm my mind, and come up with my most creative projects.  There's something about the water that I am drawn to...

"Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again." -Joseph Campbell

It's a good day too when you find a piece of clothing that reflects what you love!

Thank you Express, for making a portofino shirt with bikes on it.  My wardrobe is now complete!

I can't believe that May is just around the corner.  Cheers to new adventures, connecting with good people, and growing.  In a few days, I'll be in the Santa Cruz mountains to continue this theme...

Monday Miles.

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view.  
May your mountains rise into and above the clouds."

-Edward Abbey

The view today from two wheels- just another manic Monday. 

Nozomi.

My dad just returned from a trip to Japan.  He brought me back a souvenir, and at first I was expecting some fun Japanese candy or treats.  So imagine my surprise when I opened up the bag and saw a beautiful necklace pendant that resembled some of his ceramic pieces.  It was packaged with a card that read "Nozomi Project."

A small but powerful object lesson.

Nozomi, translated 'hope' in Japanese, is a social enterprise bringing hope to women adversely affected by the 2011 earthquake and tsunami in Ishinomaki, Japan.  Nozomi women create one-of-a-kind pieces of jewelry using broken pottery left in the wake of the tsunami.  As broken shards are being transformed into beautiful treasures, lives are also being filled with renewed beauty.  The Nozomi Project symbolizes "Beauty from Brokenness."

Today, looking at the beautiful pendant made from broken pottery, it symbolized a greater lesson of restoration from brokenness.

I still remember those days like they were yesterday.  I would sleep, wake up from the nightmare, realize the nightmare was my life, and then try to go back to sleep.  I robotically created 'To Do' lists filled with meaningless tasks, just to give myself some structure in my life.  I numbly re-arranged the items that would have filled a brand new house into my old childhood bedroom.  I was so angry and confused- little did I know that this entire season of my life was teaching me a lesson in humility that could only be experienced with raw and absolute brokenness. 

It was 2006, and I remember sitting in the uncomfortable wooden pew.  I felt oddly out of place, even though it was the familiar sanctuary of my youth, with its familiar smells and carpet where I had grown up.  Feeling like an outsider, I watched the man on stage give an object lesson at the front of the church.  Most knew him as a comedian who also was a master ceramicist- I just knew him as Dad.  He had his potter's wheel and lump of clay, and we all marveled at the way he could effortlessly transform the ball of gray matter into a beautiful vase.  It was like magic.

And then, he said something that I'll never forget- "If the clay starts to get shaky or uneven, it can crumble down and fall into itself.  But as the potter, you simply re-work it and re-shape it- you don't just throw the clay away."  I saw him look up and I felt like he was looking at me directly in the eyes.  Tears streamed down my face.  This was more than a simple object lesson, this was a divine message from a Father to a daughter.

It was at that moment that I recognized and experienced hope.  We were not meant to live as broken shards, shattered pieces of beauty that "once was."  We can be picked up from the rubble, dusted off and polished until we shine-  Beauty from ashes.

There are times in our lives that will break us, shattering our spirits and our dreams.  While the world may tell us that we should stay in the dirt, shrouded from sunlight and buried under the rubble, this is simply not our destiny.  Remember that true beauty often comes from brokenness.  Sometimes simple souvenirs and unconditional love from a father can remind us of a greater Truth:

There is always hope, there is always nozomi.