Face Down, A$$ Up...

(Disclaimer: For those of you who are only here for the swimbikerun, skip this post.)

I could have 'yelped' them a 1-star.  Or I could blog.  So I'm blogging. 

This marked the end of my first week of 'real' running using a new technique (which left me sore in new places), as well as a beautiful and hilly bike ride today.  I knew I had a 90 minute massage tonight, so I didn't mind the extra soreness since I knew all those knots and tightness would be worked and massaged out.

So I did something that I never do- I didn't bother using the foam roller after today's ride. (ooooohhhh...) I figured that's my massage therapist's job, right?

The scene of our first (and last) date

I had the worst massage experience in my life.  So to keep my mind occupied during that horrendous time, I likened it to dating the wrong person.  Here goes...

HOW A BAD MASSAGE THERAPIST IS LIKE A BAD SIGNIFICANT OTHER

1. You don't trust them.  You have a feeling you'll leave injured.
I'm extremely sensitive to people's energy and can feel love through touch, or in this case, sloppiness.  It was the opposite of a nurturing deep tissue massage and I felt as though she didn't understand muscle anatomy, or how to follow the lines of the muscles along the body.  Her ADHD hands were all over the place without structure.  And I like structure.  It was like having a friend give you a free massage, where it feels somewhat good, but you can tell they don't have a clue what they're doing.  Well, she wasn't my friend.  And I was paying her.

2. You have to cut it short.
When you're with the right person, you want to spend more time with them.  When you're with the wrong person, all you can think about is an escape plan.  I had 90 minutes scheduled.  10 minutes in, I was brainstorming how I'd ask her to switch it to 60 minutes.

3. They try to gloss over the knots really, really hard instead of taking the time and patience to work them out individually.
Self-explanatory.

4.  Miscommunication.
This is inevitable, but it's worse with a language barrier.  Yes, I know I signed up online for 90 minutes.  No, I'm just in too much pain. (Better to pussy out than tell her she's horrible).  Yes, I want to change it only 60 minutes.  No, I didn't schedule it online for 60 minutes.  (This led to her having to leave the room to check the computer, which took 5 minutes. Which could have been 5 additional minutes banging on my tender neck).

5. They don't answer your questions directly.
"This is really tight!" (Bang, bang, bang)
"I know...it's from all the riding that I've been doing lately.  Is that considered my hamstring? Or is it my IT band?"
(brief pause)....
"Muscle! It da muscle." (Bang, bang, bang)

6.  The whole time you're with them, you're thinking about how much happier you'd be with someone else.
In the past, I had seen a great massage therapist who works on athletes and has an incredible grasp of muscle anatomy, trigger points, as well as an amazing touch.  The entire time I was being massaged, I was thinking about Michelle and how she was doing, how she was the best, and if she was free in the future weeks to schedule me in.

7.  You're relieved when it's over.
Normally, when massages end, you wish they would continue on forever.  But like bad relationships, when they're over, you can only feel a huge sense of relief and freedom.
After 60 minutes she said, "We're done!"
And the first two words that came to mind were, "Thank God!"

This was just my experience.  Wolfie came with me tonight and she had a good massage.  So maybe it's just me.  Then again, I gave Wolfie some protein powder samples that I tolerate well, and they didn't quite agree with her belly this morning.  So we're even now. :) And perhaps the take-home lesson is that with everything, whether it is protein powder or massage places- it depends on the individual.

Now...where's my foam roller?