On Being Child-Like...

"The soul is healed by being with children." -Fyodor Dostoevsky

I ran across this quote yesterday and loved it.  How true.  My niece just learned how to play checkers and watching her play was interesting.  She never double-guessed herself or made futuristic moves- "Well, if I move here, than she can move there, and then I'll lose my checker piece."  She just moved her piece (sometimes she illegally moved her checker piece, but I'll let my sister deal with that later).  Life for a 6 year-old is simple.  Don't overthink things.  Just make your move and then deal with things as they come.  Celebrate your wins.  Be a good sport even if you lose a checker piece.

Even her jokes were awesome-

Q: "What do you get when a turtle and a porcupine cross the road?"

A:  A slowpoke!

I think children possess a beautiful innocence, carefree attitude, and sense of wonder that is refreshing to be around.  Life doesn't always have to be so hard.  Rest.  Relax.  Go to swim practice.  Take naps.  Draw pictures with crayons.  Tell jokes.  Laugh.

The next few days I'm hopping on this bandwagon and I know that my soul (and foot) will be healed.  Can't wait to play checkers again on Wednesday...

Knowing when...

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done."
                                                   -Kenny Rogers "The Gambler"

When a blog falls silent for awhile, it could mean that things are really really good, or really really bad.   For me, it's been an even mixture of both.  I've had some amazing and inspiring conversations that have led me to tears, and also have had severely painful and frustrating days that have left me in tears.  The vacillating has been exhausting, so I've held back from posting.  But I always would like this piece of blogland real estate to be honest and authentic, so now I'm writing...

Tears seem to be the constant.  And for someone who was nicknamed "Stoney" for my ability to remain stoic and hold things in, this shows to me how deeply I care, how the pain not only is present in my feet, but how it pierces my heart and the very core of who I am.

I have thrived on my ability to persevere, to be the girl with grit, to be the one who finishes what she starts.  I hate quitting.  So I keep going, keep my chin up, try to troubleshoot and find other solutions.

But the foot pain is still there.  And it is so real.

I am a fishy.  But the painful foot pain leaves me feeling stupidly nonathletic.

And deep down I know that adding 140.6 more miles to my resume would not make me be loved any more or any less by those who truly care about me.

This song has been on my mind so much lately- you need to know when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em...and really, only you know the answer.

It's a question that I've been asking myself lately.  I have less than eight weeks to find the answer.

  

Becoming strong.

...and I am glad that I am not alone in this journey.

Seeing the Good.

I cried in the pool on Saturday.  Shocking, I know.  But after a string of sub-par workout sessions for the past week, the emotions took over as I stood at the side of the wall while I was lapped.  One part of me said, "Whatever, no big deal.  Just keep swimming."  Another voice said something else, and I was stupid enough to listen to that voice.  Then the tears started coming, and I was embarrassed that something so trivial as being lapped could release an avalanche of negative thoughts.  As I finished up the swim set, I thought about Amanda Beard's book In the Water They Can't See You Cry: A Memoir.  No, I never read it, but I thought it was a catchy title.

The title of her book was true- up until I hit the wall and Coach and Hulk were there and they saw me cry.

Speaking of books, I finally finished reading The Life of Pi.  Some people say that the tiger Richard Parker symbolizes the violent, ferocious side of humanity that allowed Pi to survive in the ocean.  The tiger-like aspect of human nature emerges when it is faced with the will to survive.  This potentially vicious and dangerous side of his personality stands in tense opposition, yet shares an occasional partnership with the gentle, kind, loving nature of humanity- and this delicate dance between the two is illustrated through how the boy Pi and the tiger are both enemies and allies.  

I loved how Pi's name was short for "la Piscina," one of my favorite places.
And so I finally finished reading this by la piscina. #fitting

Similarly, Ironman training can bring out the worst and the best in all of us.  Instead of being on a boat alone for 227 days, you're in the pool, on the bike, and on the running trails for 243 days (~8 months of training).  There are those 'aha!' moments where everything clicks, when you hit your target pace, and when dreams are becoming a reality.  And then there are those moments when you feel tired- perhaps physically and emotionally- and every swim stroke, pedal stroke, or run stride feels heavy and hard- when you look around, compare, get angry, get negative, and start to question things...

Even for someone like myself who has been called "Ms. Sunshine and Rainbows" by a few people and who likes to the celebrate the notion of PMA, sometimes it is hard for me to see [enter squinty Asian eyes joke here] the good in the hard times.  When I get to this tipping point, I know what I need to do- and sometimes it means to take a mental break and step away...

And so yesterday, I knew the best thing for me to do was to:
1) Ride my bike somewhere new, preferably near the water 
2) Ride with someone not doing Ironman- someone who just likes riding their bike to ride their bike
3) Run new trails
4) Remember the joy
5) Get the miles in 
6) Stop thinking about if I am feeling fast/slow, if my running stride feels heavy/light and think about how awesome it feels to be able to move my body and see amazing sights
7) Focus on the good

And fortunately, all of the above happened.

My first coast ride ever-
there's something about the ocean and bikes together that heals everything...

Still all smiles after 75 miles

And STILL smiling after an hour run (believe me, this is a rare sight)

With training volume about to reach an all-time high in the next few weeks, I am grateful to be surrounded by positive friends and teammates.  Not everyone is lucky enough to be supported in love during all their breakthroughs and breakdowns (thank God this did not include a break-up!).  Sometimes when your own goggles are fogged up and teary, it is your teammates who act like the anti-fog and help you see the good.

Wolfie's wine pick. Friends. Red wine.
Both are helpful in allowing you to see the good in life.

Asking the Right Questions.

There was a dark period in my life when I felt completely numb, traumatized, angry and victimized.  I wasn't sleeping.  It was difficult to function in my daily life, and some people even gently suggested medication.  I was anti-meds, and found that the only breakthrough I had was through EMDR (Eye movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).  This technique miraculously allowed me to move on in my life by reprogramming 'triggers-' things that once caused a spiral of anxiety and stress were now considered harmless memories once they were reframed.

In essence, I learned to stop asking the pitiful and selfish question, "Why me?" and instead probe, "What can I take from this experience?  What has this experience taught me that can help me make better decisions in the future?"

Coach knew the hills in Tahoe made me feel like a victim- angry, weak, subordinate and questioning everything.  And so, before we rode the hills on the 3 Bears ride on Thursday, I was asked to reframe my view of the hills.  Instead of hating them, I was told to ask them, "What are you teaching me?  What lessons can I gain from you?"

With this new open attitude of nonresistance and surrender, I was able to relax and receive.  I allowed the hill to guide me like a gentle elder, giving me wise words that will stay safe in my journal.  Instead of being tense and angry at the bottom of the hill, I actually enjoyed climbing for the first time- I was hungry to hear what the hill had to teach me.  I even had some fun on the climb, spinning away and feeling much more empowered and stronger than before.

A view after one of the climbs.
Just like the sun's rays, the answers to good questions always penetrate through the clouds.

Even in meditation, so often people think about what they want. They spend their minutes focused on the question, "What do I need in my life?"

My dear friend (PK, you are secretly my guru!) challenged me to ask a different question- "How can I serve?"

Oh man, that changed everything!  All of a sudden, it was not about me.  It was about the bigger world around me, other people and communities, and how my life could somehow fit into that larger scheme and make a bigger difference.

In life, sport and spirituality, it is amazing how perspectives and judgements and attitudes can dictate our experiences.  All of these perspectives and judgements and attitudes are contingent on the questions that we ask ourselves.

So make sure that you are asking yourself the right questions.

Building My House.

When we were kids, my mom gave my sister and me a huge tri-fold piece of white paper.  We used a ruler to draw lines for the different levels of a house, for the rooms, and for the roof.  Then, we drew our "perfect" house.  I remember I made one of the rooms in my house a pet room, since I was obsessed with cats and fish at the time.  Another room had a grand piano in it.  And the bedrooms all had bunk beds.  My sister and I cut out small cardboard people to play in the unique houses that we each created.  I bet those paper designs are still saved in a box at my parent's house...

This past training weekend in Tahoe was eye-opening.  The course, coupled with the altitude and the distance will make for a very long and hard day come September 22nd.  But the fact that I felt much more smashed than my training partners made me panic.  Sometimes in sport, it is easy to compare yourself to other athletes and judge your fitness (or lack thereof) based on everyone else's.

I voiced my concern to Coach, and he reminded me that as athletes, we each have our own ebb and flow- we all peak and dip at different times during the weeks leading up to the event.  But the goal is to all be at our prime for the event.

And his email today reminded me of that very fact in a poignant way- 
"Relax Shadow, let all the building blocks fall into place race week.  You cannot put a roof on the house until you have the foundation and the walls."

And just as I worked on creating my ideal house that was different than my sister's, so I shall continue to build this 'house,' albeit not on white tri-fold paper, but in the sport of triathlon.

This is my PowerBreathe cram session on Friday.
I am now committed to REALLY using it for the next 10 weeks to
strengthen and build my lung capacity!

My fake PMA pose after a really mentally and physically tough climb x 2.
Building stronger climbing legs and attitude are in the future!

The gorgeous view from the Ironman run course.
I admit, if you're going to suffer, at least you have an awesome backdrop!

For me, successfully building my house includes-
Taking the time to build a solid foundation.
Not comparing.
Enjoying the process.
Trusting the architect.
And looking forward to the finished product.