Birthday Eve Musings...

"I decided that the single, most subversive revolutionary thing I could do was to show up for my life and not be ashamed." 

-Anne Lamott

Las Trampas sunrise...

Today I really showed up for my life, released a lot of baggage and heavy rocks that I had been carrying around for years.  It was the necessary emotional and spiritual kick-in-the-pants that I needed, and now I feel lighter and freer.

It's my birthday eve as well, and today it occurred to me- this year has been good.  Actually, really really good.

I've finally stopped training.

And I've finally started living.

Grateful for everything I've learned in these 33 years of life, and looking ahead with bright eyes and a big smile for all that life has in store.  Onwards and upwards...  

WCW.

Winter writing.

"Writers are great lovers. They fall in love with other writers. That's how they learn to write. They take on a writer, read everything by him or her, read it over again until they understand how the writer moves, pauses, sees. That's what being a lover is: stepping out of yourself, stepping into someone else's skin."
-Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within

It's Wednesday.

In officially honoring WCW (who comes up with these anyways?) Natalie Goldberg, I choose you.  

Start Where You Are.

Start where you are.

It's the best advice, really.  It's asking a lot to make someone who is used to eating 3 fast-food meals a day to immediately adopt an organic plant-based diet.  So we start small.  We weave a green smoothie bursting with vital nutrients and raw energy into their day, and allow them to eat the rest of the meals however they desire.  It's interesting to watch the shift.  They feel better from that one single change, and this starts them on a new trajectory towards better health and well-being.  First fix the food- then watch in amazement how the other areas in their life unfolds.

Start where you are.  I love that.  It also applies in meditation, as Susan Piver writes:

In meditation, it is not helpful to be mad at yourself for the inability to be peaceful.  Start where you are.  Start with sorrow.  Start with rage.  Start with boredom/anxiety.  Start with high hopes.  Start with disappointment.  Start with your very own body, breath, and mind.  Your experience IS the practice.  There is nowhere else to go.  Within your own experience, the entire path can be found.

This is something I'm still learning to grasp.  Letting go of expectations, enjoying this precious moment, unattached from outcomes.  It's been a process of teaching my spirit to not be defined by external constructs and labels.  To be unattached from my annual income.  To be unattached from the notions of being a homeowner or a mother or a wife.  To be unattached from a certain number on the scale. 

Because really, we have everything we need, right here, right now.  We were born complete, with abundant love, joy, grace and creativity.

When you start where you are, sometimes you realize that where you are is just where you need to be.

When that happens, you can finally relax.

And be yourself. 

Be Merry and Bright.

I never took anti-depressants.  Because I had spin class.  We first met each other there, in that sweaty, hot room, two lonely people- escaping our momentary realities for an hour.  That lovely hour served as a dark refuge, where we sweated off our worries and heartache at 100 rpms.

The holes and voids we each harbored in our own hearts from past hurts remained open and raw.  We were shadow companions- two empty souls desperately trying to fill a space of another person we could never be.  We allowed the charades to continue because it felt comfortable and safe and we were both still so fragile and afraid of being cracked wide open again.  He would sleep soundly and sometimes snore, so I would go and sit by the window, looking out, feeling so incredibly alone.  It was cold, so I would wrap my arms around my legs.  I would cry.  I wanted him to wake up and comfort me, but he never did.

One day while he was at work, I decided to surprise him by cleaning his entire house.  He always joked about hiring a maid.  I was willing to play housewife.  I vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed the toilets and the showers, perhaps symbolically trying to cleanse us both from all the debris and dirt and grime from our similar pasts. 

As I brushed the sweaty strands of hair from my face and pushed the heavy vacuum back and forth to make symmetrical lines in the carpet, I heard it, shrill and loud- 

"HEATHER!  HEATHER!!"

My God.  I never liked that parrot, but now I hated him.  His parrot continued to scream and call out his ex's name while I finished vacuuming, the anger rising in me with every vacuum line emblazoned into the carpet.

In that moment it became crystal clear that I did not belong there.  I did not belong in this relationship.  Here I was, cleaning and trying so desperately hard to be loved, needed, wanted, cherished- and the sign, oh, it was so loud and clear.

Shortly after the parrot incident, the dust settled- literally and figuratively- on our relationship. We reached a point where we discovered it was much more draining to stay in something that felt superficial and convenient than dealing with the deeper, darker Truths that held the key to our freedom.  

I can only smile, smile lovingly, at my former self who knew no other way during those months than to stay.  Who had no other sense than to quietly endure and rationalize and sit with the suffering.  Who somehow thought that the persevering could negate the way she failed in her other relationships.  But sometimes staying is more painful than leaving.

I learned a powerful lesson during this time-  It's futile to spend any excess energy on someone whose ghosts of past relationships continue to echo in their hearts (or in their homes).  Pack up your cleaning supplies, you Merry Maid, and move on your merry way.

A Potter and His Clay.

Long exhale.
Boxes upon boxes of ceramics have been unpacked, priced and displayed.  Four years of ceramics, to be more exact.

I watched as my dad carefully inspected each one, explaining to me the special glaze he used.  I heard terms like "wabi-sabi" and a technique called "chattering" that produced a jagged but beautiful texture on the outside of the pot.  This isn't Crate and Barrel.  There are no matching 'sets.'  Each was uniquely crafted... formed, shaped and glazed as his hands and his heart felt inspired.  

My dad is soulful, real, authentic and true.  And so is his work.

Hope to see you at their house from 9-3pm tomorrow...

Gifts.

"If you are not afraid of the voices inside of you, 

you will not fear the critics outside you."  

-Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

Thank you, P, for the gift of this sunset and for books to help me get my insides down on the page.  I'm forever grateful.

A Different Approach.

Advice from Stanley Kunitz, on writing:

"Develop any other skill; turn to any other branch of knowledge; learn how to use your hands.  Try woodworking, bird watching, gardening, mushrooming, cooking, fishing, sailing, weaving, pottery, zoology, astronomy, cosmology, take your pick.  Whatever activity you engage in as trade or hobby, or field of study, will tone up your body and clear your head.  At the very least, it will help you with your metaphors."

My musical journal, of sorts...

Let's just say that lately, I've been working on my metaphors. 

The Ocean.

The beauty witnessed yesterday at Half Moon Bay...

The ocean-
Each day it witnesses
the playful laughter of children
unbounded by the constraints of life,
building sandcastles,
playing chase.

Each day it witnesses
lovers walking hand-in-hand,
it sees engagements and proposals being made,
commitments sealed, 
futures changed.

Each day it witnesses
photographers capturing its magnificent beauty
while others hide their eyes from its waves
as children are conceived underneath blankets
in between loving sighs and giggles.

The ocean-
Each day it witnesses 
the lonely and depressed who,
in their depths of uncertainty,
find solitude and comfort in the rhythmic
lapping of each new wave.

The ocean plays host to
the vastness of emotions and experiences
within the entire collection of human consciousness
that walk along its sandy shores.
Observing it-
Laughing at it?
Empathizing with it?

The sun sets,
concluding another day.
It watches as people pack their bags,
fold up their chairs, 
put away their cameras.

The sandy beach is slowly emptied.
The ocean waves continue to lap gently against the shore,
smoothing over the footprints,
leaving no trace of the day-
Cleansing, renewing and preparing-
for a new day
with new dreams.

Shut Up and Drive.

As a teenager, I loved the song "Shut Up and Drive" by Chely Wright.  I remember blasting it in my car on the way back from swim practice.  I also remember crying myself to sleep at night listening to those lyrics when I felt the first pangs of heartbreak...

Recently, I am learning more about the art of listening.  Too often, I would hear what people were saying, all while simultaneously thinking about what my response to them would be.  I was hearing them, thinking over what I would say, and not at all listening to them.

Sometimes as health professionals, we are so time-oriented.  We only have X number of minutes to spend with patients, and X number of minutes to teach/educate/obtain nutrition history.  I once heard a doctor say that if we only took the time to listen to patients, they would tell us everything that they needed in order to heal.  This has inspired me to be a better listener.

This means interrupting less, asking better questions, holding more space for them to talk.  And that in and of itself is healing and therapeutic.  In my experience so far, I've found that the end result is a more optimal destination that we've both reached together; something far more ideal than if I had talked at them or told them what to do.

My good friend can read my facial expressions really well.  He can tell right away from a split-second glance if I'm happy, stressed out, or upset.  During a challenging time in my life, sometimes he would put me in his car and just ask how I was doing.  My answers at first were superficial and concise- everything was bottled up inside like a big knot.  He knew it was only the first layer of the onion- I am too much of a deep-thinker and over-analyzer to just be "fine."

He would always keep driving, and as the road unfolded before us, slowly I was able to peel away the layers.  With each passing mile, I was able to understand and communicate and verbalize everything that I was experiencing.  He did not offer advice.  Like a good friend, he did what was best at the time- he just shut up and drove.  And by the time we returned, I felt like a huge emotional burden had been lifted from my shoulders.  I had more clarity and vision for my future and what I wanted.  And he hadn't really even said a word.

In our personal and work relationships, it's important to remember that giving advice isn't always the best thing.  Sometimes as a good friend or clinician, it's helpful to open the door to conversation, allowing space for the other person to be heard, and then steer wisely wherever the road and conversation leads.  I've found out that you'll both reach your destination happier and more fulfilled if you do one thing- Shut up and drive.

Monday Musings...

The Root.

Today's view from Pinole Shoreline. #friends #family #love #whatmatters

WHAT IS THE ROOT?

What

Is the

Root of all these

Words?

One thing: love.

But a love so deep and sweet

It needed to express itself

With scents, sounds, colors

That never before

Existed.

-Hafiz

Practicing Non-resistance.

You know how when little kids get puppies, they squeeze them so hard and don't want to let them go?  I am like that- I tend to hold on hard to the good things in life, sometimes too tightly that it can be suffocating.

I'm learning to hold on gently, loosen my grip- surrender.

I used to be quick to judge things, circumstances, events, and automatically label them as "good" or "bad."  Actually, I still do, but I am learning that swinging back and forth on the pendulum is exhausting.  Sometimes it's best to just settle in the middle, in that sweet spot, and observe without judgement.  Just let things be.

Observing, not judging... (taken at Point Lobos)

Surrender is not an act of giving up, but rather, of a giving over.  Unlike most may believe, non-resistance can be a strength.

Pretend you are holding a cup in each hand.  One cup is empty, and the other is full of water.  If you hold them and you're relaxed, you can feel a difference in the weight.  But as soon as you constrict and tighten your grip, you can't feel the difference in the weights as much.  Likewise, when you tighten up and tense up in life, you lose access to the inner resources that you need to discern what is in front of you; what's in your grasp.

Surrender is not about weakness, it is about wisdom.

Child's pose; a time to relax and surrender...

Non-resistence isn't necessarily a gift, an art or a talent- it is a practice- one that must be done with intentionality, observation and grace.  This is a practice that I am constantly cultivating in my life, as I learn to release expectations and relax.

It is only when I do this when I am able to discern the differences in the cups of water and choose correctly- allowing my lips to taste the pleasure and take a sweet sip of life and love.

The Space Between.

Sit silently still.

Pause- quiet the monkey mind.

Let's meet in the gap.

Fast Freddie. Sweaty Betty's.

Today's ride was one that really counted.  I told myself, "Write this one in the books- you're going to recall it in the future when you want to puke on the side of the road and you're tempted to get off your bike and walk it up the hill..."

We were greeting by the sunrise after climbing Grizzly Peak...

It was pretty much a culmination of some of hardest climbs I've done in the East Bay (Grizzly Peak, the 3 Bears backwards (which everyone knows is the harder route), and Pinehurst to Skyline, all bundled together under the guise of some race director's cruel sense of humor- naming it the "Fast Freddie Gran Fondo."  I was so terrified of this ride that I even skipped the kettlebell lunges and "legs day" in the gym this week just so I would have "Freddie Fresh Legs" for today.

You know how when you smell a certain perfume or cologne, all the memories come flooding back of that person who wore it?  The same thing happens with bike routes for me.  I remember who was my riding company, and certain parts of the road are almost time-stamped...I can recall exactly what we were talking about.

Revisiting these climbs was so good for me- just to see how far I've come since those times and also knowing deep in my heart (even though my legs may have argued otherwise) that I had been in that place of extreme fatigue before- slogging up some steep pitches, and had still managed to crest the hill and stay upright on my bike.

It's trusting not only those who believe you are strong enough to finish, but also trusting that faint "muscle memory" that remembers how you've been in this place of wanting to quit before, yet you just kept.on.pedaling.

I know in the world, many women are catty, backstabbing and resentful towards each other.  Instead of building each other up, they feel insecure and threatened and instead tear each other down.  Chris Rock once said, "Women would rule the world if they didn't hate each other so much." 

I am thankful to be surrounded with really quality, positive, inspiring, and grounded women.  They show me how you can still be feminine and still be strong.  My friend Michelle rides faster than 90% of the men I know.  She exudes a soft sensitivity in her calm nature, but it is matched with an inner tenacity that I find so appealing.  I look at her and think, "I want to be like that too." She told me from the beginning that I could do this ride and climb this much elevation.  I just had to believe in her, and more importantly, in myself and my capabilities.

Both of us rockin' the Betty Designs kits... #matchymatchy

It helps so much to have a solid woman role model who seeks the best for you and pushes you hard to see and realize your own strength.  As women, we need to empower each other. We need to challenge the stereotypes- it's cool to get a spa day, but even more cool to hop on a bike.  Instead of looking for a new outfit at the mall, look for new challenges that allow you to see yourself in a better light than the crappy fluorescent lights in the fitting rooms.

Saw this last week and it was replaying in my mind when the climbs got harder...

It's only when we get outside of our comfort zones and undertake the hard stuff when we can realize our own strength and potential.  The more this happens, the more momentum builds and translates to other areas- new paths are forged not only in sport, but in our lives.

And that, to me- is beautiful.

Rainbows and Sunshine.

Last year, I had someone tell me, "You know Julianne, I know you're Ms. Positivity- but life isn't always rainbows and sunshine. Sh*t happens. Life is cruel and people are mean."

I beg to differ.  Because if you look for the good, pretty soon your brain rewires itself and starts to scan your environment for the positive.  Two simple truths to remember- What you focus on, expands.  And what you appreciate, appreciates.  

And today, it really was all about rainbows and sunshine.

A reminder of hope on my morning commute...

Chasing the sunset on tonight's run...

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the
winds long to play with your hair." -Kahlil Gibran

Two people this week asked me if I was in love.  There was some mention of some extra "pep in my step" and how I'm "glowing." This pretty much sums it up...

When you seek the good, you find it.  And when you stay open and positive, I promise you, there will always be an abundance of sunshine and rainbows.

The Myth of Self-sufficiency.

On Sunday, I was cresting the top of Dublin Canyon on my bike when something just didn't feel right.  The road felt bumpier than usual, and I looked down and saw that I had a flat on my front tire.  I was alone, and left my podcast running to keep me calm and from going into full-on freak-out mode.  Calmly, I removed the tire, ran my fingers along the tire to find any sharp object, replaced the tube, slipped the tire back on, and went to fill up the tube with my CO2 cartridge.  Everything was fine until I felt the CO2 escape from the side of the canister into the air- and not into my tire.  It reminded me of Chrissie Wellington's famous flat in Kona 2008, except that I didn't have cameras recording my break-down, and well, the World Championships wasn't on the line (fast-forward to the 2-minute mark).

Three cyclists passed me.  I kid you not.  I ended up flagging down another guy who was nice enough to pull over with a handpump and get my tire inflated enough for me to get home.  I was eternally grateful.

Once I was home, I decided to switch out my old tires for brand new tires.  It was fine, but as everyone knows, brand new tires are super difficult to get on since they lack the malleability of older tires.  I was successful with one, and the second tire I had major difficulty with.  I took a break, came back to it, and still was unable to get the final part into the rim.  To add fuel to the fire, the whole time I was paranoid that I was going to ruin my new acrylic gel manicure (priorities, people!).  My fingers were raw from the tire, I had tried using a towel to pad my hands, and I was literally at my wit's end.  It's these moments when it's easy to spiral down the rabbit hole of wishing I had the luxury of shouting, "Babe, do you mind helping me with this?"  Since I didn't have an extra pair of hands nearby, it was a frustrating situation for me.

But I was desperate.  I ended up asking a friend to come over to help me.  And he did, and was so gracious and we added some dishwashing soap to the rim to help slide the tire in.  It worked like a charm, and he was on his way. 

The whole experience made me realize how difficult it is for me to ask for help sometimes.  Single women, in particular, are constantly encouraged to be independent and self-sufficient.  We are told to go on solo vacations, travel around the world, take classes, and buy our own houses.  It is drilled into our heads that we shouldn't need a man to complete us.  I get it.  But if we focus all of our attention on being "whole," that doesn't leave a "whole" lot of room for anyone else.

I recently heard of Adam Newhouse's idea of the reciprocity circle.  His model was to take a group of 30 people- all successful artists, creatives, entrepreneurs, world leaders and world-shakers- and sit them together in a circle.  But rather than handing out their business cards, talking about about their websites or LinkedIn profile, instead, they were each required to step out and share what they specifically needed help with.  It could be anything- from "I'm looking for marketing support," to more specific requests- "I want to learn how to perform this specific dance style." By centering the intention around the notion of asking for help, this provided a space where people were allowed to be vulnerable and more human, and participants in the circle later said it was the most transformative experience.  Uncanny, synchronistic and amazing things occurred.  Across the board, every single 'ask' was met with an answer from someone within the circle that could offer specific assistance.

For me, it took putting on brand new tires to gain a brand new perspective.  Sometimes when we're stuck or stranded, we need to ask for help, and that's ok.  I've found that people are more than happy to show up and offer assistance.  Sometimes it just takes some help from a complete stranger to pump us up (figuratively, or in my case, literally), in order to get us rolling and on our way again. 

It is a beautiful truth after all- Ask and you shall receive. 

Home Is Where the Heart Is.

I remember awhile back I wanted to make sukiyaki (one of my all-time favorite dishes).  I scoured the cabinets for what seemed like forever, trying to find my electric hot-pot.  Then, it finally dawned on me.  It was most likely the permanent addition to an ex's fabulous cooking pan collection.  This caused me to think back on all the other items that I had unknowingly 'lost' in multiple moves between college, graduate school, and thereafter- ceramic dishes, a George Foreman grill, Osterizer blender (believe me, I'm not dumb enough to leave my Vitamix behind!), furniture pieces, and household appliances.

I suppose at the end of the day, the most important thing is that I survived all of these moves.

The process of packing and unpacking causes you to re-evaluate what's really important, and what can be donated to Goodwill.  And, just like the heart, times like these cause you to examine what good memories to hold onto and what emotional baggage should be tossed and disposed of before making your transition.  There is always a need for this- deciding what to collect, cherish and hang onto, and what to gently discard since it no longer serves you. 

When I first moved into my apartment a few years ago, I had no couch, no bed, and quite honestly, no hope.  "It's only a temporary place until I figure out what to do next," was my reasoning.

And then one night, I was flipping through a Maya Angelou calendar and came across this:

It was then when I realized that no matter what my living situation or location was, I was home.  That same night was when I hung my first artpiece over the fireplace, balancing precariously on a stepstool bench (the dining room table set was still yet to come), and as the hammer hit the nail and pierced through the wall, I felt this tangible sense of finally making this place my 'home.'

The Holstee Manifesto- which I've adopted as my own...

Last week, as I gazed above my fireplace, it occurred to me how this first framed quote really did become my life's manifesto, both within my home and more importantly, in my heart.  And that made me smile.

Growing up, I always loved Jim Elliot's quote- "Wherever you are, be all there."  It applies to the work that we do, the friendships we maintain, the house we reside in, and most importantly, ourselves.  So often it's easy to show up for someone else, but how many people make a consistent effort to show up for themselves?  To schedule self-care days, to practice meditation, to be fully present with themselves without any distractions?

Taking in the beauty during this morning's sunrise...

For me, self-care is surrounding myself in nature...view from today's hike...

Because really, home is like your heart.  You can decide for yourself that you want to move, or you may be forced to move, to uproot and be transplanted elsewhere.  Even in times of uncertainty and impermanence, you must not forget, like Maya Angelou, that we are at home wherever we find ourselves.

So go ahead- paint the wall your favorite color, instead of leaving it white so you don't have to repaint it if/when you move.  Hang up your favorite painting.  Home is much more than where you lay your head down at night.  

Know that you hold the key to your own front door.  You can give copies of the key to a few choice people, and you have the authority to change the lock if you need to.  Ultimately, it's up to you to decide who you let in.  But regardless of all of this, remember to be true to yourself.  Because at the end of the day, that's the best feeling to always come home to. 

Stay Curious.

Tonight I was writing a graduation card for my cousin (we're having a belated party for him tomorrow), and inside I wrote the only piece of advice that I've found to be helpful in my own life- stay curious.  

Elizabeth Gilbert said it best...

I listened to an interview today with Olympic swimmer Byron Davis, and he summed it up perfectly- in life, at times you will not be confident.  In his words, "Confidence has little to do with your capability of making something happen.  Instead, allow yourself to embrace curiosity.  When we are curious about something, all of our awareness and brain power becomes acutely aware of scenarios, patterns, and answers.  When you decide to be curious, you invite enough room to create experiences that you begin to stack up, which will ultimately become your confidence.  Curiosity allows us to move through that period of ambiguity.  Use the small incremental results to guide you in making mid-course corrections.  Ultimately, you will cross that finish line."

Curiosity moves us from a place of fear to a place of wonder and faith.  And that's a much better place to set up camp.

Rice is Sexy.

White rice.  Bleh.
Brown rice.  Meh.
Forbidden rice.  Huh?

It's purple, and the name is so sexy and seductive.
I just had to get my hands on that.

Turns out, legend has it this ancient grain was reserved for the emperors of China, and was often referred to as 'longevity rice.'  The deep purple hue also means that it is rich in anthocyanins, a powerful antioxidant also found in blueberries.

It's like 50 Shades of Grey...for rice.

I think every aspect of life is art, including food, so it makes me especially happy when I create beautiful, nutritious, and colorful meals. This was inspired by the brilliant Julie Piatt, whose wisdom has taught me to be more present and grateful, and whose artistic soul is so evident in her meal creations.

#plantpower #eattherainbow

This meal will raise your vibration on so many levels... Stir-fried organic kale, organic rainbow chard with fresh grated ginger, forbidden rice, shiitake mushrooms, and organic baked sweet potatoes.

Money Can't Buy Me Love...

...but it can buy me a new bike!  

Arriving in a few weeks!! 

I think it's money well spent when it'll only make you faster, fitter and happier.  At the end of the day, it's cheaper than therapy and I (fortunately), don't have diaper and daycare expenses.

I feel like my life is being upgraded on so many levels... everyday I am so grateful and look forward to feeling the wind in my hair and summiting many peaks (figuratively and literally)...

To Infinity and Beyond.

I first read this quote on my good friend's Instagram.  It made sense- we grow up and from the beginning are told how we should behave, what we should believe, what we should wear, how we should speak.  We are so busy becoming 'like the masses' that we lose our individuality, creativity and inspiration in the process.

I think a better question to ask is, "What did you want to be when you were 8 years old?" Remember the time when life was free from bills, mortgages, unfulfilling relationships and job stress, and the 'big' questions were what you were trading your sandwich for at lunchtime and who would be first in line for tetherball?

When I was eight years old, I wanted to be an astronaut.  I was fascinated with the zero gravity aspect; I was already pretty advanced on the monkeybars and would fantasize about being able to do somersaults in space.  I completely disregarded the whole need to excel at math/science- I wanted to be an astronaut because my whole job would be to explore the unknown, go into uncharted territory, do flips in outerspace, and make history.

No anti-gravity here, unfortunately. Pull-ups on the trails yesterday...

The freeze-dried food part was pretty cool, too.  When I visited the Kennedy Space Center in Washington D.C. as a 4th grader, I chose a freeze-dried neopolitan ice cream sandwich as my one souvenir.  I still remember savoring each bite later when I got home.  I loved how it felt when it touched my tongue and would dissolve into a delicious vanilla, strawberry and chocolate explosion.

Funny, and sadly ironic, is how these are the flavors of the Ensure Plus that are frequently prescribed in the hospital.  Perhaps a part of me now wants to embrace that adventurous spirit again of my eight year old self, taking with it my experience of nutrition and wellness, and reuniting it now with my fantasy of outerspace, blasting off into the unexplored, paving new ways, and knowing no limits.  I love who is in my space shuttle with me, and together we are excited to tread and uncover new territory in the health/wellness sector.  Together as we keep dreaming and keep creating, I know that we will be benefitting mankind in a deeper, more truthful and more authentic way.

To infinity and beyond!

Reigniting My Fire.

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." 
-Albert Schweitzer

Tonight's view from the campfire...

It's interesting how you don't even realize how you're down to burning your own embers until you meet a kindred spirit.  It's like the right-side of my brain finally exploded and took over my left brain, and my mind is spinning with ideas, visions and big dreams.  At night, sometimes I can't sleep, so I just roll over and write my ideas in my journal.  Getting them down on paper helps, and I find that when I look over them the next morning, I gain more momentum and draw lines connecting those ideas to new ones that I write down.

I've missed this; this feeling of adrenaline, excitement, of being in the flow-state. It's fun to do this alone, but when you meet someone else who shares your fundamental dreams and visions and can give you open suggestions of how to improve yourself, this is what gives me a heartbeat. 

I love the musical Once, and my favorite scene is when Glen Hansard first teaches his song to Marketa Irglova.  I love the expression on his face when she starts harmonizing with him; it's like his smile recognizes this beautiful creative union- something that he would not have been able to accomplish alone.  When you meet other creatives/musicians/entrepreneurs, it is a beautiful thing to experience that magic, that fire...that shared vision and deep connection over something bigger than ourselves.

Two days ago, I scribbled in my journal a truth that I had discovered that day- "Awakenings stem from life's darkest moments." Three years ago, I experienced one of the darkest periods of my life, and looking back, I am amazed at the ways I've grown in my understanding of the world, of myself, and of others.  Thank you to all of those who have helped me rediscover and rekindle my inner spirit.  You know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

Show Up. Take A Bow.

"Knowing your path and going after what you believe in will naturally create serendipity around the right people that will support you, love you and help you grow; and if you continue to shape your life based on what you love, I believe everything else will just fall into place." 

-Amanda Slavin

Sometimes it just requires that you show up- the path unfolds after you take that first step...

The phone rang tonight, and on the other end was my 7 year-old niece.

"Do you want to come to my piano recital? It's on September 28th at 2:30pm."

I smiled and replied, "Oh absolutely!! I would love to come and support you!"

Her tone suddenly changed and became somber.  "I'm afraid that I'm going to mess up.  What will people think if I make a mistake?"  

"It's ok.  Everyone makes mistakes.  You just keep going.  Some people won't even know that you even made the mistake.  It's all about having the right attitude."

I heard a sigh at the other end of the phone.  Continuing in her very serious tone she answered, "My attitude is telling me that I don't want to play in the piano recital."

I told her the story of how nervous I used to get before all of my piano recitals.  One time, I started playing the wrong piece. (Claire de Lune and Long, Long Ago do sound pretty similar starting out, just for the record).  "And remember," I added, "We love you and will be there to support you.  And even if you make a mistake, we love you just the same because we are proud of you for being brave."

Her artwork of my sister and me playing the piano together...

Later tonight, it occurred to me- oh how some things never change, even when you're an adult!  We are all afraid of making mistakes, being negatively judged, feeling inadequate.  It may not be on a piano stage- it could be in the boardroom, giving a presentation, standing in front of intimidating colleagues, or in the classroom.

It's knowing, however, at the end of the day, that there are people in the audience who love you unconditionally.  They are clapping just as loudly for you whether you performed flawlessly or completely flopped.  They believe not only in your potential, but in who you are, at this exact moment.  And they cheer the loudest when you smile and take a bow, regardless if you perfectly hit all of the notes or forgot a whole entire section of the piece.

As an entrepreneur, I know that vulnerable experiences are exciting but they can also be frightening.  Like my niece, those same questions are floating in my head at times- "What if I mess up?  What if I make a mistake?"  Just like piano recitals, I know that not everything goes as planned.  It's what you do afterwards to recover that matters more.  You take a deep breath, collect yourself, move on, and later find yourself experiencing the love and joy of the music once again.

We must never let our fear prevent us from showing up on stage.

And whatever happens, we must always smile widely and take a bow, knowing that our tribe is out there in the audience, proudly cheering and clapping for us.

Asking the right questions...

Wild and Precious.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" 

-Mary Oliver

I find that nature always keeps me balanced and asking the big questions.

I love this quote; such a profound question that we often fail to ask ourselves.  I'm starting to figure out the answer- the excitement literally keeps me up at night.  Although the details are still working themselves out, I know that my plan includes the following- service, gratitude, creativity and empowerment.

And from what I know of the world so far, only amazing and miraculous things stem from those intentions...

Finding My Trail...

"If the path before you is clear, you're probably on someone else's." 

-Joseph Campbell

I love how life provides you with the tools and the people you need at the exact moment when you need them.  This past year, I feel like I'm finally emerging from the "thrash."  What's the "thrash?" It's that place/process where your creativity and gifts and passions are swirling around without a true direction.

I remember when I met my Ironman coach, Marv.  There was something in our meeting that was serendipitous; we both rarely did the Cyclepath group rides, but somehow we ended up chatting on that ride and exchanging information.  I liked his energy, I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was, but my friendships with him and his wife Jo were transformational to who I am today.  Together, under their coaching and guidance, I was able to miraculously cross that Ironman finish line.

I love good stories.  An entrepreneur once said, "You can't sell your product without telling your story.  Once you tell your story, people can trust you."  I am obsessed with people's stories of how they stopped conforming to the framework of what society deemed was correct for them, and instead, found their own path, their own trail.  Stories like those of Lissa Rankin, Danielle LaPorte, Leo Babauta...

What if we took up this model and stripped away the concrete layers and stories we've told ourselves and instead embraced and stepped into the unknown?  

Last week I had the pleasure of meeting someone whose entire business is built around this concept- to find your trail.  There is something innately beautiful about connecting to ourselves in nature, and through that, unlocking who we really are.  I love meeting people who get me thinking deeper and inspire me to extend my gifts and passions to serve more people.  

My version of happy hour(s)

Finding your own trail can often be uncertain and muddy, but it's always more fun and adventurous with a like-minded guide.  Sometimes not having a map and trusting your own intuition is the best part.  I'm pretty excited to see what the future holds- and I know that wherever my feet take me will be worthwhile and breathtaking.